So, I got laid off.

Definitely not what I expected when I walked into work earlier this week. Actually, wait, this was yesterday. Time is moving very funny right now, excuse me.

I had plans. My finances were planned out until 2020 with the expectation that I was going to be completely stable through it all.

I’ve got a month. Two if I can make this money work for me properly.

But it’s not just me. The rest of my office was laid off, too, so we’re combining our resources and talents to make sure everyone is good. I’ll keep any bitter comments to myself because it literally won’t help this situation and will literally make it worse.

I’m good.

We had a meeting with some higher ups to explain what was going on, and got some paperwork to take with us. Timeline and steps to receive compensation were detailed. We were free to “take the rest of the day” (Imagine having us still work after that, lol). I went home, pulled up my last resume from when I was applying for jobs last year and proceeded to be a boss ass bitch.

Too much? Sorry… I think.

Within the next few hours, I had my new skills on there, removed some old experience, and shortened the focus on my previous job. I shot it out to a few companies and called it a rest. I needed time to plan out everything else, like my lease, finances, and my sanity. I spent the rest of the day venting on Twitter and making an “I just got laid off” playlist. It’s lit.

I hate interviewing and the process of applying for jobs. It sucks. I get mentally and physically sick (my stomach is currently doing flips from anxiety). I get imposter syndrome heavy, and having to prove myself over and over is draining. I still get triggered thinking about when I was looking for a job right out of college. Did I mention I’ve stuttered since I was little? The whole thing about us not liking phone calls is true. Imagine having to do it non-stop for MONTHS on end. Video chats don’t really help.

But, whatever, it’s necessary I guess. My stutter isn’t as bad as it used to be, and if I can focus on things I’ve done it’s a manageable experience. Broad questions suck but very focused ones are cool (I overthink a lot, so if there are too many answers, it’s impossible for me to say one with confidence).

I ended up sending out close to ten applications the first day, and another five before I stopped to write this. My head is all over the place and I needed a break from the insanity. Am I staying in this area? What about my lease, which isn’t over until March? Can I break it? If I move, where? Would love to go back to the DMV, my home. Are there positions there? Are they GOOD positions? Maybe New York. Always thought that was a nice place, from afar at least. Will they even look at me? Am I good enough? Will I not hate myself for moving there? I really don’t want to be further from home. I’ve lost both of my maternal grandparents in the last year. If I had stayed in Florida, coming up for their funerals would have been tough, if not impossible. But most of the tech jobs are not on the east coast. Would I be willing to relocate all the way to California? I’d be miserable.

It’s a lot going on in my head right now. I just want to wake up when it’s all over.

But, I can’t rest for too long. If I do, things are going to get worse. This is a temporary setback. Regardless of how long it takes to get a new job, I’ll find one.

I got this. And you do, too. Whatever it is, we got this.